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"The only way of expressing emotion in the form of art is by finding an 'objective correlative'; in other words, a set of objects, a situation, a chain of events which shall be the formula of that particular emotion; such that when the external facts, which must terminate in sensory experience, are given, the emotion is evoked." T.S. Eliot, 1919

Name:
Location: Academia, NJ/NY, United States

Overeducated educator seeks part-time position as novelist, essayist, pundit, hack, comic, and/or laughingstock.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Cruise Control

Caveat Lector: The following was written by a woman who is both experiencing PMS and currently seeing a psychiatrist who gives her "psychotropic" medications (but not the fun kind). In other words, she has no idea what she's talking about because her brain is mush, and therefore she cannot be held legally responsible for the deceptively articulate opinions described below, so don't bother suing her.

It takes a whopping combination of fame and megalomania to view your personal foolishness and paranoia as valid, useful, and beneficial to the world at large, yet it seems that Tom Cruise has both, in spades. Having spent the last few years marinating himself in the self-absorbed, oblivious, classist cult of his “religion” and contemplating the need to impale something hotter (?) and hipper than Penelope Cruz on the end of his aging dick, the actor has embarked on a mission to liberate us all from the tyranny of voluntary mental health, while at the same time subjecting us to a series of Splendarific Barbie and Ken tableaux alongside his intended, Katie Holmes. I realize that this entry will only perpetuate the pointless hoopla (for God’s sake, don’t encourage him, Beth!); however, as someone who needs the very drugs Doctor Cruise would deny me in order to choose between organic (GOOD!) and …um … ganic (CHEAP!) milk at the supermarket, I feel pressed to contribute my two cents/co-pay before I see his new film (which is what again? "Howl's Moving Castle," right? Go! Run! Now!).

I am not a celebrity watcher. I am, however, a Yahoo user, and I do occasionally get sucked into one or two of the five or six headlines those folks regard as the news of the hour (and which I'm pretty sure are penned by some paragon of deadpan ... maybe Ben Stein?). Still, I somehow managed to miss the beginning of the fairytale. When my students told me that Cruise and Holmes were an item, I let out an utterly uncharacteristic shriek of disbelief that shattered my carefully-cultivated calm, cool, clueless classroom demeanor for the rest of the semester. Since then, I (and everybody else) have been kept abreast of the whole affair through photographs, press conferences, skywriting, subliminal advertising, blimps, coupon circulars, etc. Doubts about whether the relationship is “real” stem primarily from the persistent speculation that Cruise is gay. I agree that the pair cannot possibly be having The Sex, but I base my speculation on the far more mundane fact that neither Cruise nor Holmes have gone indoors since the whole thing started. Even in the hours after their “engagement,” there they were, beaming freakishly at the press. No need to speculate what goes on behind closed doors; there aren’t any.

BUT WAIT! Holmes’ last boyfriend was that god-fearing, white-bread bohunk Chris Klein. Might the the darling of the WB and Mr. American Pie have abstained from premarital relations? Could Holmes actually BE what Britney used to claim she WAS? Perhaps Prince and Princess Press-Hungry are waiting until their wedding night to have each other at hello. Will the world get to watch NBC’s exclusive coverage of Katie’s tasteful defloration, followed immediately by a postgame show with Oprah? I imagine the cost of ad time would rival that of the Superbowl, and, as with the Superbowl, the ads would be the only parts of an otherwise mind-numbing festival of overpaid manhood worth watching.

Cruise has played some decent roles. Because I like Cameron Crowe, I didn’t hate Jerry Maguire; I even thought he deserved an Oscar for his supporting role in P.T. Anderson’s Magnolia. Holmes, on the other hand, spent the zenith of her career passed out in Toby Maguire’s crotch in The Ice Storm. (Hey – same name! Coincidence? Yeah, probably.) Her “acting face” combines incomprehension with annoyance, a persona that has found little footing in the world beyond the incomprehensibly annoying “Dawson’s Creek” (a show I watched religiously for three years, so I should know), but which should serve her well through what I’m sure will be the many months of her marriage.

No word yet, however, on what sort of face she makes when Tom publicly lambasts the psychiatric profession about what he views as the overprescribing of psychoactive medications such as Ritalin. In a recent interview with Matt Lauer, Cruise called psychiatry a “pseudo-science;” when Lauer tried to give examples of people who had been helped by medication, Cruise responded graciously with, ''You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.” Apparently, Cruise has taken time out from gumming Katie to familiarize himself with the chemical and psychological backgrounds and effects of every drug on the market, as well as every branch of psychiatric practice and its impact on each and every patient, past, present and future.

It’s not Cruise’s opinions that grate so much as his attitude. Ritalin may well be overprescribed; in fact, on the days that my daughters bounce extra-buoyantly off the walls, I find myself wondering if they’ll need it, and then immediately hate myself for regarding the energy of healthy children as an illness requiring remedy. But Cruise neglects to mention any individual cases of misdiagnosis other than his own, or alternatives therapies beyond “exercise and vitamins,” dubious solutions that offer little hope to people in low-paying jobs who have to show up at work every day in order to feed their families (or, for that matter, people like me, who a) hate vitamins and b) just prefer to not be fucking nuts). In his mind, it seems, the unenlightened, from Brooke Shields to me, should simply recognize the error in our medicated ways and search for more organic methods of relief from our ills. Something tells me, however, that welfare mothers may need more than a Pilates class and a mud mask to cope with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses that may be circumstantial, chemical, or both. I don't mean to suggest that Cruise's opinions neglect only the economically disadvantaged; it's an equal-opportunity idiocy that includes anyone who currently benefits from any genre of psychiatric care. While treatments such as ECT undoubtedly deserve careful scrutiny from the medical and legal communities, lumping shock treatments in with the short-term alleviation of postpartum depression demonstrates a glib ignorance of the world beyond the Perma-Spa in which someone with Cruise’s resources can afford to live.

A recent CNN online poll showed that 71% of respondents disagreed with Cruise’s blanket condemnation of psychiatry, as, not surprisingly, do most psychiatrists. Still, I hope that his cavalier grandstanding doesn’t prevent someone from seeking qualified help for themselves or their children. Whether medication is required or not, the mentally ill (or merely confused) should not be referred to L. Ron Hubbard. Shit, they can even call ME. I just ordered a bunch of pills in bulk from an outfit in Canada; I don't know exactly what they are, but one of them is bound to fix you right up in no time.

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